postictal | ic inbox; entranceway

i dont know
i dont KNOW

theres no way to know for sure
that's always

[I have no way of knowing that for sure! That's always gonna be in the back of my mind. How am I supposed to handle that?]

but im the one thing they all have in common

i'm sorry

that's...a lot to handle

its why i should have listened
if i'm the source i just carried it here

that can't be the answer though

how the hell would you know

[Ouch.]

just

the answer can't be "someone needs to die"

why not
because it "can't" be?
because it'd be cruel or stupid or wrong?

that's how the world is
i don't know where you've been living this whole time

[This is a losing battle.]

maybe you're right

but that's not how wonderland works

you dying would solve nothing

you think i don't know that
the point was to just get myself out of the way for twenty four fucking hours
i knew it wasn't gonna be permanent

[He almost asks then what's the point? He stops himself. That's not what it's about. It's about--relief. Rest. Protecting someone for a little while. It's any number of reasons. It's not about some kind of logical, reasonable point.]

are you gonna try it again

why's it matter

we're friends.

[It should just be simple.]

i'd try to stop you

then what makes you think i'd tell you one way or another

tim i'm not

gonna be like breathing down your neck or whatever

waiting for you to run off again

i just

[Just what, Sans? How is any of this helping?]

i want to help if i can

do YOU tell people when you need help?

['Cause it sure didn't seem like that kind of straightforward admission is his M.O. Not when he's messaging Tim to ask about movies for fuck's sake, instead of what he so clearly actually wanted to talk about.]

[Yeesh. Tim's really going for the low blows today.]

i'm trying

but you're misdirecting

this isn't about me

[Can you blame him?]

[The guy barges into Tim's inbox asking shit about movies that he didn't really want to talk about and then follows that up with hey, just in case we didn't discuss the subject of your extreme suicide ideation enough, are you thinking of killing yourself again? I just want to know so that I can fucking stop you, 'cause I did just a stellar job of that last time.]

[Can you blame him?]

you literally told me it was about you
remember

you're the one who can't let go

[No. He really can't.]

[And yeah, he does remember that.]

that wasn't what i meant

you're trying to derail me. it's not gonna work

[He's the guy who stands between people and the end of things, because being an immovable object is all he's really good for.]

you're a professional derailer
and you admitted to me straight up that you'd stop me

so no i'm not telling you anything

[He doesn't answer for a good twenty minutes or so.]

okay.

[He'll just have to keep an eyesocket on Tim. Fine.]

can you tell me one thing, though?

do you remember what happened to you that max had to rewind?

i don't remember, but if i called max because of it it must have been bad

[That's too easy. It's too easy an acquiescence. Meaning this is just someone else he thought could be his friend, only to realize that he's possessed of the same kind of passive, slack-jawed compassion as Jay. The kind that doesn't intervene until it's way too late but will take personal responsibility regardless.]

[Fuck this.]

no
i don't remember what happens when she does that
i can guess

neither can i

what's your guess, then?

if you don't mind telling me

[If he knows how to handle it next time, he might not have to get Max involved.]

[Oh, so now he asks.]

i have seizures sometimes
it's a human thing
if you're unlucky

so what does that mean?

and if it happens what should i do?

it means all your muscles seize and you convulse and you black out and have trouble breathing
there's nothing anyone can do once it happens

[Except get far, far away from him once the postictal stage settles in.]

my meds are supposed to keep it from happening

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