postictal: (let him live)
Tim W█████ ([personal profile] postictal) wrote2017-08-02 11:02 pm
Entry tags:

ic inbox; lifeaftr



. . .

( private action | private correspondence via stone of farspeech )
catpiper: (wheeze la wheeze)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-09 04:33 am (UTC)(link)
[He's not wrong and deep down, she knows that. Pushing problems aside for another day is her typical MO and trotting down the same old paths, verbal or otherwise, have never steered her wrong. If they're safe once, they're safe again, but it's not working with Tim.

And his words shake her a bit-enough to finally pull her attention away from the spirals in the sand and look at him and-

She's assumed many things. That he's hard on himself, that something in him might be bad, but it's not really him, that all his self-loathing and self-depreciation is what's forcing that wall between them after all these months where she felt like it might be crumbling down a bit. When their similarities used to intertwine and she felt comfortable simply being in his presence because it was never judgmental, never antagonistic, and it's still not-he's stating facts, trying to get her to see something she doesn't want to.

That silence isn't a trap anymore-it's a safety net and all she does is stare at him. Because she might be casting this away , but he's ignoring her too and-
]

You can't hear my words either. You couldn't hear that other Tim.

[It's Some Kind of acknowledgement. Better than the time she tried to choke Seto to be heard, in any case. And maybe he doesn't feel like he's being heard and if she's the one causing that, then-]

I can be brave and try-

[To hear him. To listen. To understand what he's saying, knowing full well he's kinder than he gives himself credit for. That he's better, stronger, braver than he'll ever see.]

If you try to listen to my heart too.
catpiper: (i defy the shoulds and shouldnts)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-09 05:12 am (UTC)(link)
[That makes her head perk up in a confused, almost questioning way, as if this is the first time anyone's really inquired about what she means. She's surprised, in particular, that he doesn't.

She places a hand over her heart, pats her chest in a slow, beating motion, and drops it back down when that does literally nothing to help.
]

It's not thump, thump. It's not like that.

[But it's few and far between with the other islanders. Sometimes she can feel, sometimes she spends all her energy trying to reach, reach out to no avail.]

It's when you listen and hear things people don't say. You can feel it. You 'get it.'

[But if she's being honest, she likes to hear the words. In situations that feel less dire and have more breathing room, she would rather hear someone talk.]

You don't have to do anything.
catpiper: (my soul flew straight out of my nose)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-09 05:37 am (UTC)(link)
[What the heck is a purview, Tim? She has a cat, if he needs some purring to look at, but this doesn't seem like the appropriate time to bring that up. But he asks another question and she really-

Has no idea. And again, she kind of looks lost. Because have you always is beyond what her memory can recall and he's the first person to somewhat deny having the ability. That's a double whammy. Seto could do it-she assumed most people could. Especially him because he grew up like she did.

So if he doesn't get it, then why did they keep him there? Why was he being watched and monitored and-
]

I don't know. The paper would say that kind of thing.
catpiper: (all the banging and crashing around)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-09 05:55 am (UTC)(link)
The one on the clipboard. They would say 'stand here' and 'sit still' and then write things down on it.

[Collecting data wherever they could, whether it was her height, weight, age-it didn't matter. They did it less frequently once she became symptomatic and useless. But you know. It's none of her ding dang business what goes on with her own body and after Glass Cage, the [1] surviving person and ghosts could mimic that power. No point in questioning it.

But unfortunately, if he wants clarity, it's not going to happen. That paper was something she saw rarely and it's been gone for years and years now.
]
catpiper: (if they can't catch me)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-09 06:15 am (UTC)(link)
[This conversation is starting to tread ground she doesn't want to walk on, but it's nothing bad. Not yet. Even if she doesn't know what psychic means. Maybe she is. She never thought about it. But the doctors and scientists got what they wanted with every painful test and every scan that left her temporarily blind. So it doesn't really matter.]

They made me a 'catalyst.' They wanted me to feel everyone's heart and that's what happened.

[And he doesn't need to know what happened after that. That's where the story ended for most of humanity anyway.]

They didn't do that to you? You can't feel that kind of thing?
catpiper: (they didn't give you a kill option)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-09 02:46 pm (UTC)(link)
Yes.

[Which will probably be a great comfort Tim, whom she's never been able to feel, which is why she's gone 1000 miles in the other direction to understand him. The elves, Kravitz, Guzma, Seto, even that tiny bug and god dog-she can feel them. A few others here and there, but Tim? He's always been the exception. It's why she asks him, and the numerous other, to reach out to her because she's lacking in some respect. Sometimes brings it up with people she can already hear because it'll be easier to find them again, but for Tim, there's a purpose.]

But sometimes I don't feel anything. I don't 'get it' even if I listen and listen for a long time.
catpiper: (who gonna get murdered)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-09 07:09 pm (UTC)(link)
[You're the best at that-Seto frantically mentioned once, while he was clutching that poor cat in his arms, asking if she would reach out to a friend, let its feelings pour through her and into him, share that lonely memory together because he couldn't do it on his own. And it doesn't happen here-not like that. Everything's limited to what emotions surge out of the people she cares about.

But Seto could do it too. It only made sense that the people here would have that ability, even if they didn't know how to use it. How reaching out wasn't such an impossible task because it didn't require thought or effort. It just happened.

And that realization that it's not quite so normal seems to shake her a bit, but-
]

Seto could. He did things like that. He only needed my help sometimes.

[Even though his power seemed limited to hearing voices of the dead over the feelings of the living.]

Taako and Lup can hear hearts too-they always know.

[Whether she's sad, happy, distraught, scared or lonely-it's strange. They can read her like a book most of the time and it's given her a great deal of comfort.]

That's something they can do very well.
catpiper: (but your body screams)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-09 07:31 pm (UTC)(link)
I don't know.

[That statement is strangely isolating and she starts to fiddle with her hands, holding them in front of her, picking at her nails. They seem to get everything outside of a few verbal tussles with Kravitz or the occasional sibling fight that she rarely picks up on.

Why are they even talking about her anyway? Tim's everything is what's at stake. She's irrelevant to this conversation outside of the support she can offer-the minor amount she was able to give suddenly spiraling into a black hole since he can't reach out.
]

They're good at everything, so I think that's something they can do too.
catpiper: (oh my god why is tequatl a thing)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-09 11:34 pm (UTC)(link)
[It's a small blessing that he simply agrees with her instead of arguing the point. Makes her feel a little better that she was able to read them accurately enough that it might be a power they hold. Why wouldn't it? How else would Lup have known to find her in the woods? How does Taako know when she's sad, even without rock piles?

But that's not something she wants to think about right now. Not something she's thought about at all since it happened.

He can't do it, and maybe it's a good thing. His would've been injected by scientists and doctors-not as a living result of Glass Cage working, given his situation. She can only be the tiniest bit grateful that for everything he went through, that wasn't tacked on, like she had thought.
]

You can't hear my heart or let yours talk back to mine.

[She says it out loud to make it real. And that brings a whole set of problems she doesn't want to deal with at this moment. She looks almost nervous. A little bummed. Unsure of what to make of it.]

I'll find another way to reach you.
catpiper: (who gonna get murdered)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-10 12:13 am (UTC)(link)
[That tone makes it completely unnecessary to delve into his heart, doesn't it? The humid weather doing little to combat the ice in his voice. She never thought of this as bad. Knows a part of her is, but the ability itself isn't. Shouldn't hurt because it feels like breathing. Feels like nothing. It just is.

And she's reminded of the time he confessed someone had seen his heart, a long time ago, and the little details he shared with her about the experience were filled with a similar vitriol, even as the flower disease consumed him.
]

Did it hurt you?
catpiper: (they didn't give you a kill option)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-10 12:52 am (UTC)(link)
[All her protests die in her throat, every inch of her wanting to deny, but knowing she wasn't there. Knowing that sometimes, expending that kind of energy to more than one person-

If she were shoved into a tube and it activated-

She would hurt a lot of people too. So for once, she gets in. And for once, she's not going to deny a part of him hurt someone. It's in language she understands, using the heart as a base, though handling it is another story. It's the one time she could. It's what she was created for to begin with-to withstand all kinds of emotional pressure to connect the hearts of humanity.

But she doesn't say that. She doesn't know. She's not a success. That could very well take him down a path neither one of them wants to step foot on, if she failed at handling it. And she would.
]

My heart feels the same as it does all the time-it doesn't hurt when it's near you.

[Now that they're on the same page that she's speaking literally-]

I can't say 'stop' and make this kind of thing turn off, but I'll be very careful. If it reaches you one day, I'll say your name and tell you if it hurts.
catpiper: (wheeze la wheeze)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-10 01:27 am (UTC)(link)
[It breaks her heart it has to be this way for him and that somehow, despite escaping those kinds of experiments, whatever they did still managed to make things worse.

But at least he isn't running from her. Their tenuous friendship still within reach, even if she's too afraid to say that word again in his presence. She wants to pretend, to believe, that they are even as he denies it, over and over. Maybe that love is there too-she can't tell. Thinks maybe that's part of what's fueling this, but it could be what's setting the fire and she doesn't want to talk about that right now.

And she really wants to hold his hand, but he doesn't like it and being selfish is out of the question right now. He's tense and she doesn't want to make it worse-not when the next question is likely to do that on its own.
]

Do you want to watch the water with me?

[Can she stay with him for a little bit longer?]
catpiper: (first tie gran skeeter hot type mutsu to)

[personal profile] catpiper 2019-02-10 03:35 am (UTC)(link)
[A failure on his end is a success on hers and his answer makes her smile for the first time during this conversation. She jogs a couple feet ahead, turning back around to see if he's trailing behind.

They can sit quietly for awhile. She's not going to make conversation after that Big Talk. Sure will keep her content for the rest of the day because it's not a door slamming in her face. They can still be together, be friends, and that was her point all along.

So she'll be quiet, maybe hum a little, while they sit there, until he has to leave. Because even she understands there's more important things to do than hang with her on the beach. But for as long as he does, that beaming expression will stay plastered on her face.
]