postictal | ic inbox; entranceway

iT IS
ITS HERE BECAUSE I'M HERE

STOP ACTING LIKE ITS OK

[She groans a bit, drags at her face. She can't fuckin' do this on text.]

Are you in your room?
I wanna see you.
Not like this.

[He may or may not be on the verge of hyperventilating at this particular moment. There's a long moment in which there's no answer, nothing at all, until he can finally force stiff fingers to press into the keys.]

no

[It's a lie. That's exactly where he is.]

I'm coming to see you.

[And she is, whether he's going to let her in or not. She'll talk through the door. Fuck it. She gets there quickly, raps on it with two knuckles, and speaks before waiting for a response.]

You don't have to come out. But I want to talk, Tim. Really.

[Of course that wouldn’t be enough to truly deter her. He suspected as much, but he’s a bit too caught up in his own whirlwind of panic to respond with anything beyond a desperate, tearing cry of:]

Go away!

[She lets out a slightly exasperated sigh, turning a bit in the hall to press her back to the wall, slowly sliding down to the floor. She's not blocking the door. But she is gonna sit here like an asshole until he talks to her.]

I'm not leaving, Tim. I'm not gonna break your door down but you can't make me leave.

G-get away from me.

[It's clear from the way the words tremble that he's long past the verge of tears. He's stepped right the hell over that yawning abyss and plunged into a full-scale meltdown. Now that there's someone else here, there's only so much he can do to rake it back together.]

[She sighs heavily.]

Tim, I'm sorry. I should've approached this more delicately. This is- a big issue for you, and I knew that. But I trust you. I trust you have the best info here, and that you wouldn't sugarcoat the situation. But I should've been more sensitive to this.

I'm sorry. I really am. And I don't want you to be alone right now.

You shouldn't. You shouldn't!

[It's hoarse and pained, tearing at the his vocal chords like it's painful to shout through the door. Nothing is going to fix this. Doesn't she get it?]

I'm a liar!

[She rests her head im her hand, elbow propped against her knee. This is a mess, and she's made it a mess. Why does she always do this.]

Some of my best friends are liars. Cheaters and scoundrels, too. Tim, you're not some irredeemable demon. And I believe that even if you don't.

You can't help me!

[Why does he keep doing this. Why does he keep befriending these - these fucking martyring, self-sacrificial, selfless types who think they can fucking save him? What is it about him that draws them to him like a magnet?]

Just - stop!

I have to try.

[She has to.]

If you don't wanna talk now, that's fine, but-- I'm not just dropping you.

No. No, you don’t. You need to forget what you saw, ‘cause that’s the only way any of this goes away!

[It’s wanting to help, needing to help, that walked Jay into the line of fire. It was his stupid optimistic impulse to try and fix someone else’s years-old problems that got him where he is now. He’s not doing that to someone else. He’s not.]

You and I both know that's not happening. I care about you. I wanted to help before it was my problem.

[And she knows she can't do it alone.]

I need you more than you need me right now. I know that. So I can't give up.

S-stop. Please, just -

[She can’t know. She can’t know how much he doesn’t want to do this again. How much he can’t watch some other well-meaning Good Samaritan sink down this pit and never crawl back out.]

Just try and forget. I’m not doing this again.

[Her first instinct is to keep pushing this. To just-- twist her way in, break down the walls, get something. The fear of running into the unknown is lessened somewhat from the years she's been going, but it's still there. She can still be afraid.

But this isn't working. So she relents. Shepard pulls herself to her feet, making no motions to quiet her footsteps.]

Fine. But we have to talk, Tim. Eventually.

You did promise.

[And she starts to walk off.]

[Did he? Did he - ]

[Fuck. Hell if he remembers. Hell if he remembers what he promised her or didn't, right now. He can't promise anything but the fact that he's ruined her. He's ruined her, and everything she knows is going to burn.]

[Because of you.]

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